Backfired

Well it has been a long time since I have written anything here. That is not to say much has not happened. I have been busy doing lots of things but maybe things not so important. I feel this heaviness of heart lately that does not seem to shift.

I finished a quilt recently that was commissioned by a friend. It was going great at least in my mind. I was in and out of the zone. I thought she no longer wanted it because she sent me a text to say she had used up her money to pay for those sort of things and that she would pay me in September after the Summer holidays; and so feeling a little deflated I put it in a chair for 5 weeks while I was in London for the graduation.

One day having read a chapter out of book on the great non art of procrastination I decided to invest some time in the quilt to get it closer to completion since not finishing things is one of my biggest character flaws.
I spent four hours on it one Sunday and I was amazed at how much I was able to achieve. All I need to do was make and attach the binding. Unfinished as it was I put it on my bed to admire it. I decided even if it was no longer required I would enjoy keeping it.

Then suddenly I got a call asking where the quilt was and when would it be ready as my friend was traveling and needed it as it was a gift for her husband. I was ecstatic. I thought it was an answer to prayer and a gift of repentance.

Things went all pear shaped when the exchange of quilt and money took place. Looking back I wish I had just handed the quilt over. It would have felt more rewarding to have given it as a gift. She handed me the money; it was about a third less than we agreed. I asked how much it was and she told me I said that is not what we agreed. She said the amount we agreed was too much. I repeated we agreed, she then told em I would have to wait a few month for it then. A few more words were exchanged but I walked a way feeling like a beggar. I went home and wrote her an email which i felt represented how I felt. I expressed my disapppointment and todl her how she made me feel like a tradeswoman who had to accept what she offerd as if i had no choice. I told her that her word must be her bond etc.... I was taken aback by her treatment of me and she was hurt by what I said to her.

She did give me the balance the next day but she also apologised and told me the things I said about her were not very nice. I am wondering if I had said them in a more loving way would they have been any nicer to hear. Or should I have just bourn the burden of how I felt and just left it as it was. Perhaps that is what Jesus would have done. When I think about it and I guess then I was quick in sending her my reply. He bore all sorts of injustice and waited for God to grant him justice, perhaps next time that is what I will do. I know I was hurt but I really am sad that she was hurt by my words... fair or unfair it bothers me.

(I know a woman who is a successful quilter; not just because she does excellent work but because as a former lawyer she knows the value of her time and she knows how to incorporate that into her quilts.)

I still feel tainted For a few days I did not want to even touch any fabric; but then I decided not to allow this difference of intentions take away one of my true joys and passions in life...my God given ability to be creative good things with my hands.

I also remembered very vividly a scripture that I had not given much weight to before. paraphrasing...the measure that I use will be used for/against me. So if I am going to hold such a standard for others then I have to measure up to the same way myself.

I had said in my heart I wanted to give the money I received from that quilt to a cause. I did indeed every singe dime. The only thing was my heart wasn't singing with joy. I gave it without even counting it did not even take it out of the envelope. I know it is true the Lord loves a cheerful giver. My heart is still heavy...but then you live, you love and you learn....